Why Bill O'Reilly Should Take Lessons From Bon Iver

I really don’t know why I watch it. Fox News is profoundly the worst network on television. This is not an exaggeration; they literally have a headline on their website as I write this that reads, “Studying Gay Sex – On Your Dime.” Really Fox? Is that what is really happening? Shut up.

Not that I particularly care for any of the 24-hour news networks (CNN, I’ve lost my respect. Sorry, Wolf. But don’t worry, I still love you, Anderson.) But Fox News definitely takes the cake. Unfortunately, it’s nearly impossible not to watch, if only to laugh at the absurdities that come out of the mouths of Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, and countless others who know little to nothing about anything. I mean, they have Karl Rove as a contributor. Really? And Glenn Beck is so passionate about the shit the comes out of his mouth, he literally cries. Seriously.

Despite all of the stupid pundits, there is no one who unnerves me more than Mr. O’Reilly. This self-proclaimed “middle of the road” pundit’s ego is so large, it needs a chair of its own behind that bedazzled desk. O’Reilly spends the first 30 minutes of his program, unsurprisingly named after himself, The O’Reilly Factor, complaining about everything and anything he determines to be under him, which is generally everything from a liberal perspective.

The next thirty minutes involve interviews with like-minded buffoons who usually don bad dye-jobs and tight blouses to compliment their over-tanned, over-makeup-ed faces. On occasion, there is an interview with someone level headed, with whom O’Reilly exhorts his testosterone by yelling over the other person and interrupting them continuously until his producers tell him it is time for a commercial break, where he deems himself the winner of the argument, as such. This is followed by a segment where O’Reilly picks who he feels are “Pinheads” and “Patriots” with zero backing besides his own opinion. The show is then wrapped up with love letters to O’Reilly of ridiculous viewers who share the right wing Limbaugh mentality.

The entire sixty minutes is punctuated by reminders that The O’Reilly Factor is the supposed top rated program on Fox News, which is the supposed top rated network on television. I’d like to know who are taking these polls. Finally, at the very end, O’Reilly uses words that he believes to be highly uncommon so as to make him seem the picture of wit and intelligence (his favorite is pithy). Surely he learned these from an astute intern who majored in Journalism at some accredited university and has found himself fetching coffee and feeding into the ego of Mr. O’Reilly.

Where does Bon Iver fit in? Well, merely because I am listening to the band currently, but on a more thoughtful note, because Justin Vernon’s (the band’s lead singer) voice could bring Hitler to tears. A few words O’Reilly… Calm. thefuck. Down.

And here’s another few to add to your repertoire…
Your circuitous lexicon merely justifies your position to yourself and your other (to borrow your own word) “pinheaded” worshippers. Your attempt at pedagogy makes you sound like an idiot to everyone else who holds a more intelligent view of society than you, which is, most everyone.

And pithy sucks as a word.